Showing posts with label Nazia the Vampiress. Show all posts

“Nazia the Vampiress” (Season 2, Episode 2): "Respondents, Credit Hour Chaos & Much More"



Disclaimer: Ok here we go, disclaimer is at the beginning … all characters in this story are imaginary. Any resemblance to anyone dead, undead, haunting or trying to live is simply a coincidence. Don't start assuming things, try educated guesses . . . if you still fail and relate them to real life characters, you are not a loser, you are just trying to live your life and letting others live … besides, your Thesis/Research Report might be playing tricks on you after completely possessing you, you are just a sad, bad, fad data collector.


All these vampire and non vampire friends stepped outside the library in utmost disappointment since it hindered their study plan thanks to the obnoxious librarian who generally didn’t seem to show any respect to any teacher or student inside who would have come to discuss their projects and sign language had not been taught in the school yet. He was now just in the vampire victim hit list but Nazia and Scrooge had an argument about who should impale him first and that Nazia’s idea of a gas chamber would be better for these humans at least.

“His existence makes me feel angrier than you, that’s why he’s my victim!” exclaimed Nazia

“No! Cats and rabbits must live in harmony on campus, he has to be mine …” argued Scrooge.

Nazia being in a credit hour, blood sucking distress herself was shocked, “Where did cats and rabbits come from?! Besides you eat cats not rabbits or is it a change of menu?”

“Qwack! Qwack! I see ducks …” mumbled Scrooge.

This was turning into an annoying conversation when Toots intervened, ‘What the hell is wrong with you guys? What’s with this zoo discussion? Respectable vampires are supposed to go after human blood not these innocent creatures!” said she.

“Oh well, well, well … leave it to the me, the one, the lovely, oh … the, the, the … werewolf!” spoke Shazia, “oh because it’s Friday, it’s Friday and it’s Friday!” she giggled.

Since, a few days or let’s be more precise, since Thesis started Shazia started revealing symptoms of  lunacy often thinking that she was a werewolf and somehow got to have an idea about the real vampires on campus and said she could smell fear and shape shift into various other things, she had been meticulously observing each and everything on campus ever since she and her group did a project on their school a semester before.

“Is Rebecca Black playing tricks on her head or is it her Thesis?” asked Toots
“I don’t know … maybe the realization that this is the last semester so she can afford to lose her mind completely, well as if it was already in place … ever since thesis started she has been biting people and getting away with saying that she is a werewolf.” said Nazia in a concerned tone.

“Aaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooo!” exclaimed Shazia with delight and excitement.

The situation had turned bleak not just for her but for others also by the time they reached their methodology section, some of the potential respondents who had been rude started disappearing from the face of the Earth … why? Because they were in Nazia’s respondent pool and they misbehaved and were rude, therefore, they seemed tasty for what they were … human beings. But those who were very cooperative across social media and beyond gained vampire respect, they were told to be kept away from the consumption among the vampire brotherhood.

“Oh give me a wall! Some of these respondents are Halloween and I am a pumpkin ready to be smashed against the wall!” she moaned and confessed in front of Toots one day.

“Ahhh …well, to hit your head against a physical wall or a virtual wall? Which one would you choose? I thought since your research is about social media you might consider a virtual wall …” joked Toots, “What exactly is your topic?”

“I don’t exactly remember but it’s about the impact of social media in unveiling your true self … you as a brand … our vampiricide (Season 1) that happened a few months ago is a good example … you know coming up with a topic is the most difficult thing to do in this human world.”

“But what’s your hypothesis? What are you trying to achieve?”

“I don’t know honestly … the Lord shall forgive me for the hypothesis shall be devised after the methodology’s passiveness has been dealt with … my advisor still thinks I am a human being even though I have started haunting his email account by now, I still try to pretend that I am more of a human than a vampire … a respectable one in my community though, not like Scrooge munching cats away.” justified Nazia.

Scrooge had been listening and felt the sudden need of adding in his say, “My advisor goes for accuracy, he’s good at what he does, he gave a sample of 10,000 people because he is an awesome man! He’s got experience and we’ve got the sample size … good representation. And he goes for accuracy again, he measures our margins and line spacing with a vernier caliper … not like yours, being content with whatever you have given without a hardcopy submission.”

Nazia who already had a niswar of a day was in fury, after a great deal of passive smoking in the bus and a packet of niswar being dropped on her head by a crow it was turning out to be a bad day, “Yeah, yeah your advisor walks the corridors with a halo on his head, blessing everyone with Harvard referencing virtues, concluding each student with automatic research findings and safeguarding them against the barbeque grilling from the panel yeah?!?!? At least mine is eco friendly, he does not demand stacks of hard copies for reading what I have written and neither does he make me wait for 2 hours before a 10 minute meeting. When he carries an opinion and supports hard work he is even ready to support vampires. And it's never a matter or quantity. Since when did we start comparing advisors?! I impale anyone who has a problem in this case.” blurted Nazia.

“Enough you two kids. Stop it now!” scolded Toots, “Are you going to suck each other’s blood over whose advisor is better or in a worst case scenario CapsLock each other across social media walls? Don’t forget the unity of vampire brotherhood  … so chill, you fetch her some blood, she’ll fetch you some in return.”

Shazia came running again out of the blue, ‘Thesis is a test of friendship too hahahahaha! Plagiarise or plagiarise not, there is no try … ADVISOR WARS!”

“So Nazia whom have you been having for dinner these day?” asked Scrooge.

“Well when thesis is also is a test of one’s temper, I have been having some respondents too for impalement or dinner you can say … for example there was a senior executive from some so called Construction Bank who bashed me when I sent him my questionnaire, his moronic highness told me that I should have asked for permission first before mailing him something in his stupid highness’s inbox and that he would see if he has time … Ever since that night I have not been a consumer of his blood but he has been a victim of rigorous impalement and the poor guy thinks mosquitoes are doing it to him … but I must confess his blood was not good, as bitter as his attitude, he shall face vampire curse.” With that her sharp and beautifully intact teeth reflected light through their smooth and uncanny surface.

Scrooge was curious, ‘Why? What did it taste like?”

Toots interrupted with a mocking smile, “You should know … a bit like iron and but salty.”

‘Ewe! Yuck!” exclaimed he. “Oh well, I can understand, some people while answering questionnaires are not even sure of their gender, it’s better not to waste a survey form than to highlight upon your hybrid gender and yes in a few years there would be a need of a third option.” Replied Scrooge.
“Hmmm … yes … options, you know life is like a closed ended questionnaire, you never know when you might run out of options, next time we won’t restrict people to two genders only or should rather add, ‘I wish not to disclose’, that way life won’t run out of options that badly.” She grinned away rather mocking the findings of the survey, “Hey, by the way do you know the grading break up and how we should be justifying our sample size?”
“I’m not too sure myself and whenever we ask seniors, the only robot like response you get is, ‘depends on your advisor’ … how odd, I had a conversation yesterday.”

 
“Overall it’s just difficult to stay sane. How can people mess up with your survey and not know their gender? Perhaps we should mention in the disclaimer that idiots are advised not to fill the questionnaire or that if you are not filling the questionnaire you are an idiot to have clicked on the link to begin with.” pondered Scrooge.



“Oh common that's rude …” said Nazia almost miserably.



Shazia emerged again like a ghost and poked him, “Hello there!!! Hiiiiiii Scrooge! They are not idiots. That’s because they are genderless or too genderful …zoom! Zoom! Hahahaha!”

Toots was flabbergasted and annoyed at this continuous level of insanity and the situation begged her to say, “I wonder what a researcher’s state of mind depends upon … May God help you before He helps your research.”
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Nazia the Vampiress “The V-Bomb & BDI of Vampiricide” (Season 2, Episode 1)



Disclaimer: Ok here we go, disclaimer is at the beginning … All characters in this story are imaginary. Any resemblance to anyone dead, undead, haunting or trying to live is simply a coincidence. Don't start assuming things, try educated guesses . . . if you still fail and relate them to real life characters, it’s not vampires’ fault, you were warned already … besides, the author is not paid by VAMPIRES to write this, it’s not paid content my dear, so please avoid turning it into hijacked media … =)

Nazia found herself marooned on an unknown planet though it was technologically equipped since she checked her phone to find an internet connection to her surprise. “Naziaaaaaaa!” somebody whispered her name from a distant corner, just as she turned back she saw a green monster approaching that grew bigger and bigger as it came near. The creature adorned an amused smile when it finally uttered, 

“Let’s go for shopping shall we?!”

“Nooo! Ahhh shiver me timbers! Help! Noooo!”Nazia extracted the words from the deepest pits of her lungs, “Torture me no more whatever you are.”

“Well that’s sad! What kind of a female vampire are you!? Ok then … how about some pet acquaintances?” asked the green monster while producing a Macaw from his bag.
“Ahhhh! G-MOOT-P!!! GMOOTP!!! GMOOTP!!!” said Nazia jumping with joy, “GMOOTP – P!P!P!P!P! P…”

The world seemed soundless and the transmission was shut down all of a sudden with Nazia felt the ground vibrating while she was jerked, jerked off her slumber in fact, “Nazia wake up! What jargon are you using now in your Marketing nightmares again?!” asked Toots.

“I am being haunted by the Marketing Ghost of Past, Present and Future … I am writing down marketing strategies even in these theme based nightmares, and while I was writing them down there as a green monster that came out of nowhere, damn, what a semester!” Nazia slurred off while giving in to sleep melatonin again in her … head … she had a habit of having semester recaps in her dreams and this time she was resubmitting the same project while trying to find eternal marketing peace amidst Kotler and Aaker’s books.

“Hey wake up! What is this G-MOOT-P?”asked Toots in disappointment while awarding a wake up punch on Nazia’s face.

“Oh God! It’s almost midnight we are supposed to be sleeping by this time … Ok, GMOOT means, ‘Get Me One Of Those’, P here means ‘Parrot’. Now GMOOT is an occurrence, situation, rather a mindset which tells you that just because everyone else in the ‘fad’ world is doing something, you are supposed to do it too, quite relevant to social media stuff these days … and well, I dreamt of my dream parrot, it was a macaw, hence, GMOOTP!”

Toots was perplexed at what she was hearing and was anxious that the contagious vampire glow overwhelmed her friend’s identity as to her demanding to be sleeping around midnight, too early that is, but then it wasn’t midnight, it was afternoon and they were in the library after they fled their school’s garden that was embellished with fresh and stinking fertilizer, it acted as a human repellant but had an equal and profound effect on vampires. 

“Oh did you check our school’s new bathrooms?” asked Toots in excitement while trying to strike a lame conversation to keep people interactive.

Scrooge was acting up a bit as well after trying his best to respond to his surrounding situation but in vain, he kept staring and admiring the pen he was holding while thinking about kleptomaniacs and the Czech people’s accusations in mind … that was the government level. “At least he stole a pen not millions at the rate of minutes spent in a meeting …” said Scrooge as thought provoking as he appeared.

“What are you talking about?” asked Faraz, looking equally bored.

“For younger readers, a fountain pen is a sort of metal tube filled with liquid ink (not toner) and tipped with a little piece of gold-plated steel that squirts the ink onto a piece of paper.” elaborated the lost in thoughts vampire, “It’s written by Andy Maslen in his book 100 Great Copywriting Ideas … so this thing I have with me is a pen … it’s mine, mine, mine! GMOOT-P … Get Me One Of Those Pens!!! Curators of pen kleptomania are found in MBA!”

“Hey vampy calm down … are you still high on vampiricide or are these your withdrawal symptoms?” inquired Nazia, now fully awake, “these lines are more appropriate for Generation Z and Generation Alpha, we at least have known the correct use of a pen but still most produce hopeless writing. If I could ever do anything for my examiners I would have tried to be nice to them by improving my ugly handwriting, it especially takes an awkward slant in exams …”

I prefer David Ogilvy’s thoughts on the truth in advertising: “Never write an advertisement which you wouldn’t want your family to read. You wouldn’t tell lies to your own wife. Don’t tell them to mine.” Added Faraz, “Just imagine how people thought drinking Slice and using Lux would make them like her, ‘advertisement bacterial disease’ …”

“Where is this conversation heading from a pen to God knows where? By the way, you vampires were lucky to be saved after that V-Bomb when one of the stupid ones in the vampire brotherhood almost told the government about your existence.” Said Toots in amazement.

“We are lucky to have corrupt people governing us to have tampered products, the Vampiricide they got manufactured for us had limited amounts of phenyl oxalate ester to react with hydrogen peroxide in us, eventually we all could not glow and the situation got consumed by the law of diminishing returns after they got a chance of depleting foreign exchange reserves and pocketing millions on a per minute basis depending on the duration of meeting minutes with scientists”, explained Scrooge, “That means if you have a business meeting with these people for 30 minutes, they would demand Rs. 3 million for the time you took and then obviously you can’t have money and vampires both at the same time!”

Nazia was listening with vigor and thrill when she finally added, “ … but you know what? One of them tested it on herself and got the ‘Cat Cow Disease’ it’s spreading like wildfire among these people only, it can’t affect normal humans or even us for that matter!”
‘What’s a Cat Cow Disease?” asked Toots.

“It’s when you pounce like a wild cat on innocent people and stare like a cow and keep screaming hysterically while being on the verge of biting somebody’s head off, see this is what they become, it’s not an animal, it’s not a human, it’s definitely not a vampire … I wonder what then it is.” Mentioned Faraz:


Just after the V-Bomb, vampires got to be hunted through ‘aggregation and correlation’ online which means that even if you don’t mention your correct name and email ID’s on websites, you still get tracked for the correct information based on other websites used commonly in the past and even current information helped, one can’t type incorrect data everywhere, there is no escape. The hunting activity had been built upon behavioural targeting (based on vampire attributes) after segmenting vampire activities, such as hanging out after fourth time slot classes, taking smokers in laboratories for blood oxidization before consuming their RBC’s and flying ofcourse. ‘Phorm’ was picked upon that is actually the term used to describe behavioural keywords derived from a combination of contextual page analysis and search terms to screen down to the right users, in this case, vampires (curators and producers most importantly).
Toots was trying to decipher what these night riders were trying to tell her, “But what were the strategies and their implications, I don’t get how they weren’t successful and you people lucky enough to survive.”

Nazia shot her amused looks, “See had they read ‘The 22 Immutable Laws of Branding’ or followed the teachings of Al Ries they might have been on the right track and got us dead. Applying extensions and adding too many lines to a brand had them lose their focus while they made sure that government is worst than vampires, they might get rid of us but not themselves. What was the use of diluting the category and introducing repellant for baby vampires, repellants for male vampires and repellants for female vampires and also pills to keep vampire phobia down.”

Faraz’s take on this was even more jargon equipped, “First of all Vampiricide was introduced as a product, however, it had inelastic demand and was very expensive for quite a number of humans, there was hardly any value for money hence minimal value equity, still brand equity started building upon the awareness built and more brands were introduced, for example, ‘New & Improved - Mr. 10% Vampiricide’ … however, category development index in terms of the population to begin with was already low, when new brands were introduced the utility to consume more started diminishing. Now the brand development index wasn’t impressive either as they all failed to distinguish well. Thus, they were marketing and targeting to get ‘indifferent customers’ mostly who saw these brands as nothing more than just a commodity. ”

“Oh my goodness! What in heaven was this detailed explanation was for?” Toots went on saying.
“You asked for it!” said Nazia and hugged her, “We are alive and we are together!”
“Hey Nazia, why did you register for summer courses? Don’t you have a life?”

“Actually during the Summer Semester it’s more peaceful, classes aren’t that overcrowded with female backbenchers discussing their wardrobes and teachers don’t recognize our breed because they are too happy with less humans to teach for Electives while discussing how many passed or failed their course the preceding semester …” Nazia tried to explain, “And just when this stupid unemployment is as it’s peak …

“It’s Monday, It’s Tuesday lalalala, gotta fly, gotta fly!” Shazia barged in all of a sudden with her excited brain cells, ever since an elective the last semester she had become obsessed with Rebecca Black’s song, something Jazz’s silly new TVC seemed inspired from also. And she couldn’t stop counting her Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Ahhh … Phew … as stupid as the song sounds … It’s Tuesday and I’m typing, oh well, I’m typing and typing … because we have power supply on.

“Silence please! You keep the … Silence! Silence on … the … table or leave!” shouted the librarian.

Just when he finished saying what he had to, Scrooge pulled out a straw from his pocket and flaunted it with a huge smile and geometrically designed sparkling while teeth.
“I know it’s a straw … food and drinks are not allowed either, now what are you going to do with it?” asked the librarian who seemed quite annoyed with these people’s presence while adding to the Theory X individual librarians get to be.

Nazia knew for a fact that Scrooge kept his newly whitened canines for occasional moments only and preferred alternatives at times and she couldn’t forget the sweet toothed prey whom they had almost forgotten about  (First Season 1). “Get your vampire instincts ready, you can’t love others until you love yourself.” Nazia told her friend with utmost glee.

They all got up and marched towards the door to leave.

“I will see you tonight then … I have given up on cats (First Season).” Scrooge told the librarian who shot him looks telling him that he was nothing less than being insane.
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Nazia the Vampiress “Vampiricide through Social Media Exorcism” (Season 1, Episode 8, possibly the last)


Disclaimer: Ok here we go, disclaimer is at the beginning … All characters in this story are imaginary. Any resemblance to anyone dead, undead, haunting or trying to live is simply a coincidence. Don't start assuming things, try educated guesses . . . if you still fail and relate them to real life characters, it’s not vampires’ fault, you were warned already … besides, the author is not paid by VAMPIRES to write this, it’s not paid content my dear … =)


To Nazia’s horror, Faraz kept on glowing brighter and brighter and that meant something was wrong but she couldn’t yet understand what. A frog that had consumed a light bulb simply couldn’t make him glow that much when eaten. When vampires get into marketing, they become vulnerable to being recognized and with a lot of contribution in the total ad spend of Rs. 30.08 billion for fiscal year 2010. In spite of all the recessionary downturn, this industry had witnessed an 11.5% increase over the year and the brotherhood of vampires knew it all … those creative people excelling at copyrighting and knowing it all.

“Hey Nazia! You know what??!!! Toots found out …” said Scrooge.

“Found out what?” she asked, a little alarmed.

“Well she found out that I am one of your kind and that we are vampires in mutual terms …” he replied, “she found out when her cat went missing one day and my canines looked sharp but she forgave me finally … though excited about what I really am.”

“How many times have I told you to transform your taste and stay away from cats and where were those straws you were using after getting your teeth from hell whitened up? Oh hey wait! I’m not completely a vampire; I am still more than 50% human.” Nazia snapped.

“Whatever … HELLO! Whatever … forget about how much human you are, even completely born humans don’t act like humans anymore … Find a way to kill Faraz’s glow!”

Faraz seemed anxious and hibernation deprived since Karachi hardly even witnessed the slightest pinch of cold. “I’m worried I might have left a clue as to what I am, last semester in our ‘Self Brand Analysis Report’ I made up stories despite of which Mr. Sinclair penned down his comments: ‘You sound like a vampire! I hate vampires! I hunt vampires! They ate my CATS!!!’
I tried to write as many stories as possible not to make it sound personal but God knows how he thought that way … WE ARE BEING HUNTED!!! HELP!” he exclaimed.

“Yes they are spraying vampiricide in the city, oxidating us actually, the phenyl oxalate ester they are spraying reacts with hydrogen peroxide in our cold blood cells to make us glow. That’s how they want to make us extinct!” explained Scrooge.

“WHAT IN HEAVEN!!!” expressed Nazia with her jaw dropping fear, “They can’t do this to us! They’ll track us down to school and yes we will be glowing after our fourth time slot classes! Damn! Everybody will get to know … but who is this ‘they’?”

Eventually some mutual vampire in the brotherhood had updated his Facebook status saying, ‘[XYZ] is thirsty for B+ and mouth watering RBC’s’ which eventually had got the problem started and according to Scrooge, the local officials were screening down mutual friends.

“See the power of social media, now that’s what’s interactive. They first tried to strike a deal asking for a 10% share and tried justifying that it’s inflation adjusted given the current unemployment level at 30%. The brotherhood refused and now they are after us.” Highlighted Scrooge with somewhat glee and excitement in his tone, he found it challenging, “Apparently, out of the $14.48 billion foreign exchange reserves $2 are being wasted to produce Vampiricide.”

That could be a useful strategy for school too since classes were overcrowded and teachers were worried into splitting them for separate slots and days, especially for electives, however, having one or two students (vampires) less out of a total population of humans would not make much of a difference, classes would still be overcrowded with the quest for gaining knowledge or discussing their wardrobe for back benchers. This slight managing issue was still not to cause 'brandonment' for old students but could have been possible for new ones ...

All three sat together to deviate from the already overwhelming topic.
“Hey guys you know Omore is in Karachi finally, let’s go have it someday, it’s an evidence that 2011 is here,” Faraz chuckled since people were told this brand will be launched this particular year.

 
Photo courtesy: Sarosh Waiz
                                                   

Nazia pounce with excitement, “Yeaaaaaaaah! For about two years those 2 out of three advertising functions were there, ‘inform’ and ‘persuade’ but there was no physical existence to actually ‘remind’ us about the product to make it a brand.”

“Apart from their other ads did you know the jingle one was an adaptation from Coca Cola’s classic jingle in the 1990’s” continued Scrooge.



“Oh really?” asked Nazia “But nothing can beat their 1971 Christmas Hilltop Commercial … Their creative director was Bill Backer and the agency was McCann Erikson but according to what I read when the ad was first launched on radio it flopped, however, it did wonders when the television waves got to have a taste of it …people requested it to be played again and again on radio … it’s simply amazing …”


“Hmmm … I wonder why an ad would get flopped on one medium and do wonders on the other …” added Faraz “Someone please clarify my curiosity I would want an answer for this.”
Each one of them knew they could be hunted down any moment but their conversation added to their craze for ‘Marketing’   


"Jingles seem to have a good recall but you should know that some jingles have recall value simply because they are awfully annoying ... remember Telefun?" 

All of a sudden Nazia felt a lump in her throat and started to glow as well …


 
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Nazia the Vampiress (Season 1, Episode 7) “Glow in the Dark Vampire”

Disclaimer: Ok here we go, disclaimer is at the beginning … All characters in this story are imaginary. Any resemblance to anyone dead, undead, haunting or trying to live is simply a coincidence. Don't start assuming things, try educated guesses . . . if you still fail and relate them to real life characters, it’s not vampires’ fault, you were warned already …

Nazia wasn’t yet over with absorbing the fact that Faraz is a vampire too when suddenly she jumped at the sound of the firm knock on her window. She tried to use her invisibility traits but immaturity only rendered her unsuccessful, she started blinking. The window open with a strong, roaring gale . . .
“Mommy!’ she exclaimed.

“Day and night I work like hell to fix this home but you guys are sure to make a mess! Problem with dinner, problem with everything, why would you like home made food when you have got so used to restaurants! Your cat was roaming inside the kitchen again, couldn’t you check?! Her mom fired away. With that she gave a flying kick to the cat and it went running away where it came from; the floor outside. But self respect was missing in that cat, it never was content until it got a kick from her mom.

That glutton was always at the verge of purring it’s way in as soon as the door opened and if it continued to annoy her mom Nazia was sure that she would chop down the cat some day to serve Scrooge some cat chops and cat biryani … sounds yucky indeed.

Nazia would have killed to be invisible someday other than Gtalk and Facebook alone; she could only consume her invisible potion for these two PC gadgets but could not become invisible in real life. How nice it would have been to hide away, hide your past, change identity with the new you, be invisible and not to let anyone know you well enough … ahhh!

Just when she was lost in her deep torturous thoughts she saw neon light getting brighter and brighter outside her window, it made her jump her way towards it …

“What the heck! Scrooge and Faraz! What are you both doing flying over here?! She asked.
“Just checking up on you and your cat! Blinking vampiress.” spoke Scrooge.

“Stay away from this building cat of mine, it’s well fed but not meant for you!” Nazia snapped, “What’s with this incandescent light? Have you had a reaction with bromine crystals or alkaline confused, dengue infested water? Vampires are not supposed to show off and get noticed like that…”

“Well we got together to discuss a local company’s penny scheme meant to circulate interest and have a profound effect on the monetary policy …” explained Faraz “Oh I’m so proud of the penny scheme … oh my pennies! Oh my pennies! Fled with a diversified company! Yey!”

They were both flying together, hand in hand, glowing together with their wide eyed fiery looks.
“But why the heck is Scrooge glowing??? You know you both should be at home before the demon’s tantrums shake the city again.”

“Oh his fondness went to attack some animals but got inspired by a frog who had consumed a light bulb … he ate it up and now he thinks he is an entrepreneur with a bright idea. Poor Scrooge and he is high on cow blood now that Eid is around the corner.”

                                           Photo courtesy: www.nationalgeographic.com
 
“See my motto is ‘if you can’t beat your purchasing power, drink it’ heahahaha!” uttered Scrooge.
Nazia pitied him for the blood reaction he had just had, he wasn’t awake and was vamleeping with bulging eyes (vampire sleep). 

 Toots would be so devastated if she knew her friends were vampires and that too unclassified ones. However, Nazia waited for the right time for the reality to unfold itself.

“You know I was thinking about the cocoa butter cream’s target audience and group honey mooners we discussed in Mr. Sinclair’s class …”

“Oh the glowing vampire! He is cursed!” interrupted Nazia’s mom, “he must be exorcised with Surf Excel’s pH level solution!” 

“No mommy he just ate a frog and that frog had eaten a light bulb, eventually he is glowing!” defended Nazia, “but wait a minute … oh … this syndrome… Faraz why are you glowing as well?”

… To be Continued …
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Nazia the Vampiress - "There is no Escape” (Season 1, Episode 6)





Nazia was concerned and wanted to tell Toots something very important. However, her mind was prey to too much of thinking … she just couldn’t stop thinking all the time and was finding out ways how to tell her. It was a weird situation characterized by mental turmoil since she felt she couldn’t even stop thinking while even sleeping, most commonly known as ‘vamleeping’ in her terminology which means vampire sleep. If vampires sleep at night they sleep with their eyes open, however, blood hunting is most appropriate at that time.

It was mid semester and time to get more active not just in studies but also for new preys which were not supposed to be cats like in case of Scrooge (Akbar). Some friends had nicknamed him that as per his perceived positioning. 

It was time to spam potential employers with her resume and she made sure none of them were even given a slightest hint that she is a vampiress. She happened to mention in one and the only interview so far that she blogs and writes vampire stories, even though she didn’t reveal her true identity there was no call again from that place. So far so good, it wasn’t meant for her to work at that place either …

At the same time Nazia was trying to make peace with her past (first few episodes) but the low feeling dragged her back to those ‘How Cow’ incident memories. It was something that affected her sense of smell too.

“Hey Toots you know what? Have you thought about why the cats are disappearing from here? Have you thought about asking Scrooge?” asked Nazia.

“Ummm … don’t know but why should I ask Scrooge? He’s not really fond of cats, you are the one stalking them,” said Toots in a mocking and mischievous fashion.

“Maybe he doesn’t show how fond of cats he is while he could be thirsty for them,” Nazia gave a hint still trying not to make it very obvious but the last time both of them met him he was high on cat blood … having pink dreams with a paper umbrella behind his ears. He must have thought it’s the cat’s tail he consumed a night before, however, there was this one big, very, very … as in very huge, obese cat in one of the campuses of school that he dared not touch, Scrooge was scared of it and only waited for it’s each semester kittens. It was wonderfully overweight that relied upon left over biscuits and biryani and even tea.



Toots thought for a while then shot Nazia fiery looks, “I think I know what his birthday gift should be . . . a kitten!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah I hope it survives . . .” said she in a low tone.

“Hey what?”

“Nothing …”

“You know you need to be loud not just in classes but in life as well.”

Nazia had no option but to feel pity for the kitten, she had tried her best to give signals about his identity but failed miserably yet again. 

 There was a new competition in town, yes, the dengue mosquito that destroyed platelets, it was time for vampires to come to terms with the these upgraded versions of mosquitoes since at least they (vampires) only made complete humans anemic only rather than start living on blood cells.

More of the differences included that vampires attack around midnight or after fourth time slot classes while dengue mosquitoes were punctual with their 6 am to 9 am and 4 pm to 10 pm timings. Victims are advised never to use Dispirin but rather use Paracetamol while vampire bites only need lemon juice applied to the affected area and sprinkled with some salt too to undermine the effect.

Vampires are characterized by another trait, their teeth grow longer at night and they can’t help but smile. Nazia and Scrooge had started using straws on some old, loose skin just like on the oral communication sweet blooded prey, however, Scrooge had just got a teeth whitening treatment due to which he only preferred them to reflect light for the time being since he was inspired by a tooth paste advertisement.

What really had been annoying was her neighbour who smoked midnight onwards to her utmost furor and not that she would have preferred a smokers blood, she was making him suffer from slow death … she was drilling 0.25 mm holes in her jugular vein and draining him out on a fortnightly basis when one night she overheard him while he was running his daily chores in the kitchen, “Begum these mosquitoes have become very notorious, they bite me as if they are drilling holes in my neck.”

“You have lost your mind, you better concentrate on making the chapattis round,” she scoffed, “Pakhair raaghlay (you are welcome),” she continued in her native tongue.

This persuaded Nazia to make the holes bigger and invite more from the vampire community to feast upon him. 

A fellow vampire had once revealed the process of freezing her preys with the help of the video she sent:
 

Classes on Sunday were not boring anymore especially when it was a course she liked, though the hectic routine of the night made her look impaled by victim blood reaction but no one noticed. Early morning caffeine intake used to settle her since the school canteen didn’t cater to the niche coffee consuming market or blood for that matter.

Mr. Sinclair’s Sunday classes were fun to attend with yawning faces and targeted jokes, however, it was outright disrespect for the teacher to have some student yawning right in front his very face and she abhorred it because vampires respect teachers, at least most of them. Mr. Sinclair also had a favourite student in class, the much awaited popular student who used to stalk Facebook at night and wake up late for class, he had more of those vampire attributes too but Nazia was sure to tell herself that humans could be as gone as vampires and that she needed not worry. The teacher always waited for him as he brought along some industry knowledge, not that everybody understood it. 

“Get some beauty sleep now!’Nazia had to tell him the night before class while trying to apply this statement to herself but in vain, beauty sleep meant early morning hours or early night hours dedicated to bed for her. 

She wished Toots could have taken this course with her and had been struck by a spree of nostalgia.

She was learning ‘Digital Vampirism’ in this course or at least she thought that way due to the very nature of being able to find the right target audience online while she preferred twisting the learning in her own interest. Vampires are passionate bloggers and stay up late at night often to blog also due to the ‘blogging vows’ they have made, however, not all bloggers are vampires. The teacher who taught her class about blogging in the elective ‘Blogging for Mankind’ was definitely not a vampire and she made sure he was kept out of the vampire vicinity.

“Helleow!!! We have to go to hospitals again to steal blood samples, platelets are in menu these days.” Read Scrooge’s text message one night.

“Yes let’s plan a day, in fact, a night to scare more house officers like we did before,” replied Nazia, "Listen ... have you watched Engro Rupiya's ad? Isn't it brilliant? But don't you think it's haraam (prohibited) especially when they linked it with Hajj?" asked she.


"Look who is talking about Hajj! A vampire! Muha ... muhaha .... well again ... muhahaha!" teased Scrooge.


"Hey I'm still more human than a vampire you still immature, unbranded vampires!" she scoffed.

Nazia really feared having known about herself by other mature vampires as they belonged to an elite community and made their presence felt in the much feared world, they also got hold of young vampires and branded them ‘Vampy’ on their wrists. 

Similarly, vampires usually have this strong sense of smell which they use to locate other vampires. Nazia was thus feeling ‘vampyrations’, the recognition vibrations felt when another fellow vampire was nearby or trying to locate other vampires. She could not however smell back as to who was trying to locate her because she was still 75% human and the ‘How Cow’ accident (first episode) had affected the smelling sense and the vampire locator hormone.
Her phone buzzed, in fact, vibrated since it was crippled by the brand name, Sony Ericsson, the name was the only factor to reveal how pathetic the phone could get. Ok . . . ok, it vibrated . . . with a late night message,

“You seem like a vampire too! See you can’t hide from another vampire!!! Bloooooooood time!” it read.

She was dumbfounded at being discovered by another vampire and the fact that they were two now, Scrooge and now him both belonging to the same school she was going to and there sure would have been more female vampires. Vampires find each other …

… THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!

Just when she was about to try to sleep there was a knock on the window …



Disclaimer: All characters in this story are imaginary. Any resemblance to anyone dead, undead, haunting or trying to live is simply a coincidence. Don't start assuming things, try educated guesses . . . =P
Nazia the Vampiress
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