Tales and Tails of Nehr-e-Khayyam - Episode 9

Monday, December 30, 2019 Heba Moeen 2 Comments

Happiness & Murder

“What makes you happy? What really is happiness?” asked Doggo while licking Naalaito (Haw?!? You don’t know what that is? Really? Refer to episode 7 please).

Kuttay turned around, took a deep breath and exhaled for what seemed like eternity and said, “Happiness is the smell of a book, a walk in an art shop … it is the smell of a freshly mopped floor, or knowing that there is sufficient water available in a water scarce society. Happiness is being able to witness the sunrise and also the sunset as it goes down the horizon … and being at the beach at the same time … and listening to the sounds of the crashing waves, that’s happiness! Happiness is a long walk in the forest and being able to clear your head as you walk, soaking your senses in petrichor. And … ah! Dessert … dessert is true love! Anything that can be defined as true love is happiness, though everlasting love does not exist; that my friend, you must bear in mind. Everything has an EXPIRY DATE. And of course, a cuppa hot coffee is happiness, although coffee prices are skyrocketing too which means that’s a paradoxical situation. Democracy as you will see does not want us to be happy! It wants to rate us … and so far it has rated us as third class citizens … they’ve done this to humans and let’s not even forget that we are dogs …”

Having found Doggo dozing off after this long lecture, Kuttay was infuriated and kicked him so hard that he went spiraling down in Nehr-e-Khayyam; for a moment it was as if he’s got wings. “Go say hello to the mermaids!” said Kuttay, already disgruntled about foreign tourists being able to avail this facility just because they were paying in Dollars and helping the county earn foreign exchange.

Within seconds, Doggo resurfaced panicking his life out. “Looks like you’ve seen a ghost. I’m certain it wasn’t a mermaid that would have freaked you out. So tell me what thwarted thee,” enquired Kuttay.

“I think I saw a dead human, there was handsfree tied around his neck with words written in blood on his shirt that read something about the victim and his WhatsApp voice notes!” explained Doggo.

“What was the colour of his blood?” asked Kuttay, “How come it didn’t get washed out? Who can commit murder in such a heavily monitored society?” He was of course, flabbergasted and moved by such a rare crime.

“I think the colour kept changing as if the murder had been committed by the Canterville Ghost (Oscar Wilde), this time, along the banks of Nehr-e-Khayyam!!!” said Doggo, trying to make sense of it all.

“Once upon a time, especially in the 90s, dead bodies used to be packed in sacks. Now who would dump a human in the absence of proper packaging? Is this the extent of going plastic free now?” mentioned Kuttay in a manner of a rhetorical question. No-bhai-no-sack-situation seemed much thought provoking indeed, as Kuttay read out Oscar Wilde’s words aloud:

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace ...”

Given the crystal clear water of Nehr-e-Khayyam, one could see the dead body conspicuously lying in its depths. Both dogs alerted the authorities about what they saw as they whimpered all doe-eyed and pointed towards the perished human. As a reward, they were given a Naalaito each, although it was no longer a prized possession post imports of organic tomatoes from Iran. Iran really did rescue the helpless chicken karhai for us Pakistanis, didn’t it? Irani petrol was already routing its way in Balochistan through grey channels, this time all channels were up for some tomato loving.

The next day Naala Leaks’ front page brandished the headline, blatantly mentioning: “Dead body found in NeK, Cause of death cited as sending countless WhatsApp voice notes”

Apparently the murderer, a rather frustrated ‘routine based person’ had left a waterproof, hand written note, explaining why they did what they did. This included being sent unnecessary and daily dozen voice notes on WhatsApp when typing could have been a better alternative and thus questioned whether the now-dead-person didn’t have fingers to type. Hence, all his fingers were missing to prove that he really had no other option than to send voice notes and the murderer had no other option than to murder him as he/she felt their personal workspace being invaded through voice notes which could have been typed notes instead … not-such-a-LOL-situation now! The offender therefore thought it wise to asphyxiate the victim with their own handsfree that was used to listen to those good-for-nothing voice notes. The person also expressed remorse for parting ways with an original handsfree.

“Remember, Doggo … everything has an expiry date, every relationship too has it besides having its limits to begin with. God knows what this person’s relationship with the victim was but it seems profound,” said Kuttay, “Sometimes relationships expire while two people are still living while other times, these have quite a posthumous disposition, meaning only death parts them and ends relationships.”

“You sound like a writer today; it seems as if Naala Leaks will designate for you a column on a weekly basis for stories under ‘Murder he wrote’ or ‘Murder his canine-ness wrote.”

“You are too naïve to understand life, my friend,” said Kuttay, “Just remember what Charles Bukowski explained - "What makes a man a writer?" "Well," I said, "it's simple. You either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.”

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  1. Oh god, this is hilarious! I couldn't stop imagining you as 'Kuttay'... :p I pity the listener of those whatsapp voice notes. The chronicles of Nek XX

    1. Hahahahah! Sometimes WhatsApp gets to you.