“Tigers of the Jungle unite over Defamation by PMLN Government”

Saturday, August 30, 2014 Hiba Moeen 2 Comments

For Immediate Release

Karachi – August 30, 2014: All tigers of the local jungle have united to carry out a revolutionary movement against the democrazilly elected government of poor Pakistan. What became the cause of furor were Mr. Hamza Shahbaz Sharif’s words in a recent political gathering of paid protestors. “Nawaz Sharif has tiger blood in him!” he bellowed. This was enough to wake the wild animals inside the animals, the tigers.

Other tigers of neighbouring jungles are also pouring into this gathering aiming for a great cause. Not only are they demanding an apology but also a DNA test to prove Mr. Sharif’s blood type and his identity. Meanwhile, Pakistani humans have been complaining about their pets’ sudden rebellious nature and bites for a taste of their blood. Every sunset and sunrise has been witnessing strange sounds from domestic and zoo animals together, what sounded like a uniformly pitched roaring chorus was later translated by Pakistan Animal Welfare Society (PAWS) as “Go Nawaz go! --- Go! Go! Go! --- Ho! Ho! Ho! --- Yo! Yo! Yo! Go Nawaz go!”

“This derogatory remark is a conspiracy to defame our race and to spark hatred for us among the wildlife enthusiasts,” explained the tiger spokesanimal, Sher Shah Zaroori, “First they kill our endangered cousin, the Siberian White Tiger then they start calling us names. Apparently their ludicrous election campaign last year was more important than our Taya ki Aulaad that got consumed by Lahore’s heat. We hope they go through the same pain and humiliation, which they would eventually as a result of our vicious response!” 

The entire wildlife stands united to support the tiger family and help rebuild the now tarnished image of this species. “We have no blood relations with humans in any capacity, especially the corrupt human politicians. If our demands are not met within 48 hours we will unleash the hunger within! We are animals of our words, therefore, there shall be no new deadline,” explained Sher Dil, The Wildlife Media Relations Officer, “Mr. Sharif along with nephew Sharif must be exiled to the jungle for 30 days without any camping equipment. This is not a picnic and should be taken very seriously. They are no hybrid versions and provided the allegations of them not being such turn out to be true, they should step down and replace the parliament with human beings,” said he while stressing the need for wildlife reputation building, all tigers have demanded the removal of all wildlife from the parliament and assemblies.

So far all negotiation attempts have failed and tiger protestors have already entered the Buffalo Zone.


Uses of ‘Mamnoon Hussain’

Friday, August 29, 2014 Hiba Moeen 2 Comments

In the wake of the most efficient president that Pakistan has ever witnessed, his name is gaining popularity as it can now be related to a number of factors. For now all you need to know is that Mamnoon Hussain is a proper noun and must be treated as such, he is no common man because a common man is always active in whatever he does to earn a living.

Behold! Whenever democracy becomes Mamnoon Hussain, it creates room for another Musharraf, one should not complain about the interference of the Army knowing that it is always in the nation’s best interest (no harm in assuming ... by hook or by crook). Army happens, for it’s quite happening and worthy of controlling affairs, whenever siblings fight with each other and try bringing the home to shambles, it’s daddy who spanks them and goes on rebuilding that particular home.

Anyway, the current president is so absent from every sphere of the presidency that even I forgot that I was writing about him. It’s a proud moment for the entire country that Pakistan Studies will now have syllabus updates for the year 2030, students who used to cry tears of patriotism while struggling to memorise the 14 points of the Quaid-e-Azam will have their generations studying about the revolutionary movements in 2014, ‘There is always something about the number, 14’ said a history teacher. Nor the Azaadi March neither the Inquilaab March will help innocent brains in curbing their memory rebellion though having brought about momentum in the nation that was once mistaken to be asleep. While the syllabus update was being proposed, educationists initially resisted thinking that facts were being replaced by the element of fiction thus triggering students’ imagination in the future. However, they had to be convinced that though it’ll take time but facts will have to be discovered for a question like:

‘Discuss the role of President Mamnoon Hussain in the last and final reign of PMLN. How many years after the revolutionary protests did he get to know about them? Support your answer with examples. [20 Marks]

The importance of this question should not be undermined as historians have termed it to be misleading considering past benchmarks. ‘Facts are not dinosaurs that they need to be discovered!’ exclaimed an educationist. ‘For now sir, you will have to discover them and they are all dinosaurs trapped in the parliament,’ justified another.

The committee comprising of several educationists had to be brought on the same page with respect to the harsh reality that will become a sensational history hence the concept of GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out) is applicable here. In another instance, some historians decided to switch from their profession and vowed to become fiction writers knowing that they would at least become best sellers taking account of the current situation and future education. For instance, the question below made them question the credibility of contribution by ghosts in politics and eventually history:

‘Elaborate on the significance of the slogans, ‘Zinda hai BB Zinda hai’ and ‘Har ghar sey Bhutto niklay ga!’. In the wake of this political association in the afterlife, shed light on the contribution of ghosts in the prosperity of Pakistan.’ [25 marks … answer in detail, else prepare to FAIL]
Oh My God! The word Mamnoon Hussain slipped out of my mind once again just like politicians forget their nation here; it’s very much like him though. Meanwhile, rumour (but it’s true) has it that Thesaurus is considering including the proper noun, Mamnoon Hussain as a new term, the synonyms of which will be, ‘absent’, ‘invisible’, ‘sleeping’, ‘unknown’, ‘ghost’, ‘puppet etcetera. However, it’s feared that this will turn into a spam word/term and users will be further confused about it’s significance and use and this would eventually lead to a negative impact on the society. Though superficially meaningless, the president will make great history.

The name is also being used locally with great pride. Knowing the limited supply of gas, water and electricity and their loadshedding, people can now relate more to the meaning and contribution of Mamnoon Hussain throughout the country. Whenever, the power is cut off, Pakistani’s compare it’s shortfall and absence with Mamnoon Hussain, or say that ‘water has become Mamnoon Hussain in the taps’ or that they can’t cook because gas has beome Mamnoon Hussain once again.
Mamnoon Hussain!  Mamnoon Hussain! Mamnoon Hussain! This is everywhere in Pakistan now and the rate of it’s (the name of course, not the person, therefore ‘it’) use is now attributed to the gentleman’s popularity! 

And that’s all people! History likhee ja nahi rahee, History likee ja chuki hai! (History is not being written, history has already been written).